Everyone likes lists.
The Top 100 Books Of All Time, The 20 Worst Breakfast Foods, Ten Biggest Bugs of North America, The Six Stupidest Politicians…(maybe that was sixty).
And you know who REALLY likes lists?
I signed up for emails from iVillage several years ago. At the time, I thought that I would get lots of discounts for makeup.
But I get Lists.
Lots of cupcake recipes (80!), and hairstyles (42 – which bear a disconcerting resemblance to the cupcakes). And now that June is almost upon us, there are lists of wedding gowns (200) and engagement rings (125).
I hardly ever open these emails, what with all the blogs I’m committed to. And then there are the literary agent rejection letters choking up my inbox.
But this list caught my eye last week:
“The Ten Lies Men Tell Women”
And I just had to know how my husband ranks among the other husband/liars.
1. “No, you don’t look fat.”
Yeah, he does that. Just this week I told him that it kind of hurts my feelings when he says that Dancing With The Stars’ Cheryl Burke has a big ass, given the size of mine. He said, “But you’re smaller than Cheryl Burke.” Yeah, he did. It’s my all-time favorite lie. Score: 10 out of 10 on the Pants-On-Fire Meter.
2. “I don’t enjoy going to strip joints.”
Nope. He’s never uttered that sentence. But he doesn’t need to lie either. He has my blessing. If he likes to see women take off their clothes – well, duh. I was even okay when he went to jello wrestling. “Just don’t come home sticky,” I warned. Score: 0 on the No-Big-Deal Meter.
3. “We’ll talk about it later.”
Naw. Twenty years of marriage has taught him not to bother with a discussion. Just apologize. Score: 0 on the Don’t-Even-Argue-With-Me-Cause-I’m-Right Meter.
4. “You remind me of Jennifer Lopez.”
That’s a No. He doesn’t even try to wipe up the drool. But he did say that I’m better looking than Sarah Jessica Parker. I’ll take it. Score: 5 on the Prettier-Than-A-Movie-Star Meter.
5. “I love your cooking.”
Yes, he says it all the time. And it’s not a lie. He loves my food. However, when we were first married, I had a lot to live up to. His first wife was quite the gourmet. He used to rave about her Chicken With Peanut Sauce. One day when he was reminiscing about that particular dish (again), I said, “Let’s call her and ask her to make some for us.” He hasn’t mention Chicken With Peanut Sauce since. Score: 1 on the I’ll-Eat-Anything-Anyway Meter.
6. “I don’t think about other women.”
He can’t even pretend on that one. I’ve been to the beach with him. All those bikinis. But let him look. At his age, no one looks back. And besides, tattoos gross him out. That makes me the most attractive woman on the eastern seaboard. Score: 3 on the I-Love-Wedgies meter.
7. “You can use my razor to shave your legs.”
He doesn’t have to lie on that one. I don’t want to borrow his things. Not any of his things. He can keep the razor. He can keep the truck. He can keep the Gene Autry records. Score 0 on the Yodeling-Cowboy meter.
8. “I love Meg Ryan movies.”
He’ll watch. Because I control the remote. But I love him, so sometimes I will tell him when Drag Racing is on. Does he like Romantic Comedy? Does it have a car chase? A shoot-out? Clint Eastwood? Score: 5 on the Make-My-Day Meter.
9. “I love spending time with your mother.”
He likes my mother. He really does. He’s very comfortable with her. He usually falls asleep in her presence – he’s that comfortable. Score: 4 on the I’ll-Kick-You-Under-The-Table Meter.
10. “I’m sorry.”
Score: A Big 10 on the I-Can’t-Take-The-Silent-Treatment Meter.
OVERALL SCORE (think Golf, Not Bowling): 38!
Pretty Good on the We’re-Still-Married-After-Twenty-Years Meter!