Nancy Roman

Tickets are Nonrefundable

Checking my mail on Yahoo the other day, an ad in the sidebar caught my eye.

I can’t even remember the product – but the catchphrase was memorable:  “Your Menopause Journey.”

Yup, I’ve been on that journey.  And it’s a very slow ride.  I don’t even know exactly where I’m headed. But I think there are lots of stops along the way. And I can examine the clues, like the Dora The (Elderly) Explorer.


First of all, I’m obviously headed to a place where there are no children. So my initial guess was Club Med.  But then I remembered a vacation from thirty years ago, and there’s lots of sex at Club Med. So probably not. So my next choice:  Palm Beach.

Location of Palm Beach, Florida

Image via Wikipedia


And I’m certainly going to someplace with a crazy climate. A little googling brought me to 11/11/11 – but not the November 11th that just passed. This would be Nov 11, 1911 and the Great Blue Norther, where the temperature in Oklahoma City was a record 83 degrees at midday, and dropped to another record of 17 degrees by midnight.

Oklahoma City

Image via Wikipedia

That sounds like the weather I’ve experienced on my Menopause Journey.  Only, I’m not talking about a 66 degree change from noon to midnight; more like between 1:00 and 1:03.


The next leg of this trip includes a long layover at a place where you cry a lot.  I saw a lot of Fellini movies back in college, so I’m guessing Italy.

Map of Italy
Image via Wikipedia


There’s no doubt that I am headed towards a very chubby territory.  Most likely:  Mississippi, which has held the title of Most Obese State in the country for six years in a row.

Mississippi state welcome sign

Image via Wikipedia


Then there’s multiple quick stops with memory lapses.  It seems that I keep returning to this blank place – like an amnesia merry-go-round. But then again, it’s not just one place – it moves around.  I think I might be at the Republican Debates.

Fox News/Google Debate

Image by DonkeyHotey via Flickr


My last clue on my Menopause Journey:  this is a destination that makes you very cranky.  And there’s only one place that best fits that description.

I must be going to the Department of Motor Vehicles.

Line for automobile license plates, Los Angele...

Image via Wikipedia


  1. Oh, my goodness. Love Dora the Elderly Explorer. You know I’m traveling with you, sister, as I posted not too long ago. Love your take on this adventure.

  2. OMG! LOVE the elderly Dora! Great post. I don’t think I’m too far from making that journey, although it seems I’ve skipped to the end lately.

  3. A fun read — with just a little too much truth. Love how your mind works.

  4. With the new health care system nearly in place I do believe a visit to the doctor with your medicare health benefits will be very similar to a trip to the DMV! And we both know as we get older that trip happens more and more often. sad face.

  5. Doc

    Can’t you ladies ever go anywhere alone? Why must you take us poor defenseless men along with you? Certainly not for the company, since you’re always complaining whenever we’re feeling the least bit sexy.

    • For us a scary merry-go-round. For you, maybe a roller-coaster. Do you mean to tell me that it is NOT really FUN?

  6. Nancy, you are too funny. I am happy (very happy) to say that I am past all that now! At age 66, I am now a “Boomerang” – been there, done that!

  7. I would totally watch Dora the Elderly Explorer. I’m guessing the monkey Boots has passed on.

  8. I’m thinking the journey never ends. There must be a place with loose, wrinkly skin too.

  9. Believe it or not … I (a man) can relate to this … You are truly universal.

    When my wife was going thru the “change” and had PMS, I knew exactly what it stood for.



  10. I would sure love to sneak away from this vacation myself. The thought of continuing on this journey for up to 10 years is almost unbearable. Thanks for making me laugh, and for reminding me that I am not the only one, this is a group vacation!


    • It’s been six years and counting.

  11. Making me laugh again – love the DMV reference!

  12. Hilarious! Hate, hate, hate, DMV!

  13. Wonderful post. Many years ago, I read a NY Times article about a woman who had invented special “hot flashes” PJ’s! By the time I needed them, she was long gone. I have not recovered! But now I know to go to DMV!

    Damn you are funny!

  14. Love Dora. I think she has a future.

    I would go to Italy. I think I’d like to skip the rest of the trip, please.

  15. Priceless! Seriously, this post is hysterical. Can I pretty please reprint it in next week’s edition of The Ripe Report (with full credit and links back to you, of course)?

    • I think it would be fantastic if you would reprint this post! Glad you like it!

  16. Oh, do I admire your sense of absurd humor! And I love the aging Dora cartoon! But if you don’t mind, when I start my journey, I plan to leave the Republican candidates at home. It will be scary enough!

  17. What an exhausting, yet hilarious, journey.

  18. RVingGirl

    I have been to that place and to encourage you….I have arrived and am still sane. WHEW!
    Great post again!

  19. Nancy, you always have such a refreshing and humorous take on whatever subject you select. I love seeing one of your posts pop into my email box.

    By the way, I’m nominating you for the Liebster Award. Check out my blog in a couple of days for the details.

  20. I love this post and so relate. My only question, how long will this journey we are on last??

  21. Madeline Taylor

    This is hysterical! Years ago I made my sister a book using an actual bra as the cover – it covered similar topics including the seven dwarves of menopause:Itchy, Bitchy, Ditzy, Sweaty, Cranky……Loved your post!!

  22. geriatric dora is a keeper. sheesh. you could win a pulitzer prize (or something) with that gem. love. it.

  23. pharphelonus

    Funny, as always.


  1. Not Quite Pulitzer Material « notquiteold

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