Nancy Roman

Not Quite Einstein

I have a theory for everything.

Some of my theories are based on historical or scientific data (interpreted by me.)

Some theories stem from observation (also interpreted by me.)

And some are just pulled right out of my ass.

Historically, for example, I have a theory that if Custer had prevailed at the Little Big Horn, he would have been the next President of the United States.  I believe that his plan was to chalk up one more big victory and then head to Washington.  Didn’t quite work out as he planned.

George Armstrong Custer, U.S. Army major gener...

Image via Wikipedia

One of my observational theories, formulated back in college is this: One of the critical differences between men and women is that men think the Three Stooges are funny, and women think they are stupid.

The Three Stooges

Image via Wikipedia

Here’s an ass-pulled theory:  Every kid thinks it would be a hoot to break a leg and walk on crutches for a while.  You get sympathy and a weapon at the same time.

But my very favorite of all my theories is a combination of science and observation, with a bit of ass prestidigitation thrown in:

**You can only stand a temperature that’s higher than your age.**

Remember when you were eleven, and you’d go out and build a snow fort, and sit in the snow, and eat snow, and get snow down your pants.  Didn’t matter, did it?

And teenagers can snowboard in the roughest, coldest conditions, but by the time you’re in your thirties, you only want to go skiing when the snow is already melting.

By the time you’re fifty, you’re putting on gloves in September and sleeping in socks until May.

At eighty – time to move to Florida.

With this theory, I even have a rationale (or rationalization) of why it doesn’t apply to small children.  Until about the age of ten, kids have no control over their environment.  They get dragged in and out of weather at the whim of their parents.  So, in my theory,  they fall under their Mom’s age for their first decade.

As a matter of fact, you can pretty well guess Mom’s age by how the kid is dressed.  A preschooler so bundled up in December that she can barely lower her arms:   Mom’s in her forties.  A toddler who’s hatless and shoeless in early April:  Teenage mom.


Image by r_ockle via Flickr

I had occasion to prove my theory once again this past Saturday.   We went apple-picking.  It was a sunny but cool late afternoon, and I was enjoying this wholesome activity.  Then the clouds came in.  The temp dropped to the high fifties.  Being a low sixty myself, I suddenly had enough of apple-picking, and we high-tailed it to the car. We ate our apple-cider donuts with the motor running and the seat-heaters on.

I feel just a little like Einstein sometimes.

Albert Einstein during a lecture in Vienna in ...

Image via Wikipedia

P.S. – I never before had a car with seat-heaters, but I am never going without again.  They are fabulous.  My mother always said that if your head is warm, you’ll be warm, but I am finding that I like my other end toasty.  And a seat-heater is versatile.  I turn on the passenger seat when I pick up a pizza, and it stays nice and warm till I get home.

P. P.S. – For any of you readers who live in a country that utilizes that ridiculously logical Celsius:  Get your own theory.


  1. you are funny. and a really good writer. that’s my theory. thanks for the laugh.

  2. I think you are onto something with this theory! :)

    If I may provide another take on temperature:
    (from last May.

  3. Truly funny. I smiled all the way through it, partly because there’s such a ring of truth. I liked the title, too.

  4. beckyblackpowell

    I think you have a very valid theory here. Great writing!

  5. pharphelonus

    I tried to pull a theory out of my ass today, but turned out it was a hemorrhoid. But I had an Einstein reference today as well. Yay us!

  6. I like this theory, although it means I am 70 at heart. Maybe 75.

  7. All of these theories are amazing – the one about the 3 Stooges is definitely spot-on.

    I really need an auto upgrade. My toosh is not looking forward to January. Actually, last week I tried to convince my boss to buy me a car with a heated steering wheel before I’d do anymore work.

    She laughed. Like it was a joke. I’m getting tired of not being taken seriously.

    • I want a heated office chair. It would help me nap.

  8. Hilarious! I love seat-heaters or as we call them bun-warmers. I may have to give you a little lesson about Celsius, which I do NOT find logical!

  9. We call your sorts of theories PFAs: depending on how polite you feel, it can mean pulled from AIR or pulled from ASS. >:-D

    So it’s a great acronym to use in all kinds of company because you always have the polite version to PFA!!

  10. Oh, forget it – I just figured it out – It doesn’t say comments, so…
    Anyway, I love this. You’re amazing for writing so regularly and with such humor. Keep going!

    • I tried to switch over to a similar template that actually said “comments” – but I didn’t like the typeface as much, so I went back. It’s the one drawback with the template I’m using.

  11. Ass prestidigitization! Thanks for my evening guffaw! :-)

    • Darn… it was “Prestidigitation”. Stupid spell-check corrected a word that I had RIGHT! I may be Einstein but spell-check certainly is not. But prestidigitization is kind of cool too.

  12. Brilliant and you’re way cuter than Einstein.

    • I’m not sure… I love those big sheep eyes! (hey, that’s your name!)

  13. When I was in first grade a lovely little girl, Mary, broke her arm and was not only beautiful but also the center of attention. She had my favorite name, and she was endeared to everyone, and I hated her. I wanted her name and to break a limb that would make even a bigger splash. Oh no, you didn’t pull this one out of your ass. It’s a truism!

  14. This is a brilliant theory and it explains a lot about my relationship with the thermostat.

  15. Ha! I certainly agree about “The Three Stooges” that my brothers loved and I only endured until my programming was on.
    Someone once told me “A sweater is what you wear when your mother is cold.” I remember this when I see a student dressed in flip flops and a strapless top in a frigidly cooled classroom…so refrain from making any comments. Don’t want to be a mother.

  16. Thanks for the early morning laugh! I run hot all the time…it’s just mental pause.

  17. Your theory certainly has merit, but as you pointed out, it doesn’t work here in Canada with our temperature in Celsius! Personally, I won’t be using the formula F=(C x 9/5) + 32 any time soon!

  18. Thanks for the tip about the seat warmers and pizza.

  19. So funny! Love it!

  20. Your theories are spot-on!

  21. Hi! Visiting from Georgette’s. First, I love your header: blue hydrangeas have always been one of my favorites. (I even wrote a post once about how my mom always pronounced it “high-geraniums”.)
    And I love your analysis on our temperature tolerance being directly related to our age. That’s perfect! You’ve nailed it right on the head!

    I’ll be back….!

    • I like high-geraniums! These on my header are Endless Summer from my backyard. Thanks for finding me.

  22. Another wonderfully fully funny post.

    I wanted to let you know I am getting muliple copies of your posts and am going to attempt to fix it. I think I may have to unfollow or unsubscribe to fix it but I will be re-following when I figure it out. :)

    • I had to get WordPress support involved but I think it is finally fixed. It was a pain in the tooshie to sort through all of those extra copies of blogs I follow to find the ones I hadn’t read. HURRAY!

      • Great! I love subscribers, but you don’t have to have more than one subscription!

  23. I come here..and just laugh. Love your theories – and although I don’t think I ever thought about it before- there is so much truth to how we age and deal with the weather!

  24. Thank you for this laugh today! I find the ass-pulling theories are the more accurate. Mine is that gender differences also play a role in your age-temp theory. My son and my husband both wear shorts in the summer when it’s 80 degrees. My son and my husband both wear shorts in the winter when it’s minus 80 degrees. Conclusion? Males are generally too clueless to realize they’re cold.

  25. How every observant you must also have been as a child. I especially liked the pizza tip but won’t be able to put into practice anytime soon as I haven’t seat heaters. Maybe that’s what I’ll write Santa about (if I can find his e-mail address).

    Great laugh today.

  26. I used to be the one who was always cold. My husband was always hot. We seem to have flip-flopped in recent years. I love your theory, especially with the adjustment for toddlers. Great idea.
    Seat warmers are a gift. I use them like a heating pad if my back is a little sore. Too bad they don’t have the little fingers to massage the back like the chairs at the manicure/pedicure place. That would be awesome.

  27. Love your theories, and agree with all of them! And even though I am in the ‘land of Celsius’, I love Fahrenheit too and completely understand it! And I miss miles per hour and ounces and pounds and yards and inches…so sad!

  28. Great post! Made me laugh! (I like the pulled-out-of-your-ass theories!)

  29. Valerie Adolph

    Thanks for stopping by my blog.
    I loved your thoughts on ‘Not quite old’. You are truly funny. And honest! How rare is that?
    Ha! Will you please tell me what is actually old? I’m older than you are, and I want to know if I’m actually, certifiably old.

  30. Hilarious! And I agree wholeheartedly on the seat heaters. Never thought about using them to keep take-out food warm. Thanks for the great idea :-)

  31. Me, too. I keep wondering what “Old” is…

  32. You’re theory about the three stooges is the same reason women are not found playing video games for hours upon end. I like it.

    What’s your theory on why men have nipples in terms of Evolution?

  33. Hmmm, as I think over your use of a seat warmer to keep pizza hot, and sharing others’ envy of your even *having* a car with seat warmers, I am moved to wonder if it mightn’t be wise just to buy a takeout pizza when not hungry and sit upon the boxed pizza while driving, at least until I can afford the vehicle with the built-in upgrade.

    • You might want them to “hold the sauce”.

    • Kathryningrid, that is hilarious!!! . . . notquiteold . . . as always, funny, funny post!

  34. Lisa Wields Words

    Brilliant! I would say this falls under humor and a new category that I just decided to add after reading your post, words of wisdom.


  35. nikkix2

    Apple Cider Donuts,,,,,what a Fabulous idea, do they taste as awesome as they sound?


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