notquiteold

Gracefully Aging – With Resistance

The More You Toot, The Better You Feel

This Father’s Day, I thought I would post some man-type humor.

Farting.

Yes, men think farting is utterly hilarious.

And I have to admit, I often think so too. I think one of the funniest movie scenes in history is the campfire scene in “Blazing Saddles.”

But only the concept of farting is funny. Not the actual farting. Especially man-type farts.

No offense Dad-in-Heaven, but your farts (especially in your later years) were not funny.

(And what, dear husband, makes you think that just because we have been married 21 years, you can fart like I’m not even in the room?????)

But the ‘Concept of Farting’ IS funny.

Here are two old farting memories that make me laugh even now.

One day when I was about 15, I went shopping with my mother. We were going to a store called Service Merchandise.  This was the kind of store where they displayed only one of everything, and then you wrote down the number of the item, and someone went into a back room and brought it out.  It was like the opposite of Costco. I forget what we went for. But the store itself has no further role in my story, so what the hell.

Anyway, Mom drove us over to Service Merchandise and there was no place to park. Back then, my mother liked to get the best parking spot in the lot (unlike now, where at 90, her driving skills makes her park where she won’t have another car within 20 yards of hers.) So we parked way in the back and I was just about to get out of the car, when Mom spotted someone pulling out right near the entry to the store. And Mom got really excited about being able to park in the front, which sometimes made her mangle her English a little, and she hollered, “Don’t get out yet, Nancy. I am going to fart in the trunk!”

I wept.

 

Memory number two:

For many years, I worked in a very high-stress job with some people I really loved. One of these was a manager who reported to me. Let me call her Alice (because she will probably be mortified that I am telling this story). Alice was and still is a very caring woman and a good friend. Her job, though, like mine, was demanding. Alice is a very private person by nature, and it was difficult for her to share her feelings. So she internalized the stress of the job, and her subordinates only saw her serious, exacting side, and never the gentle and sweet soul that I had grown to love.

The fax machine stood in the middle of the dozens of cubicles where all the staff worked diligently a zillion hours a week.

One day Alice was sending a fax. The fax got stuck momentarily in the machine and when it finally ejected, it came out with a loud and very evocative raspberry: “PPTHHPTHPFFTHPPPT!!!”

I just happened to be walking by, and that SOUND made me turn in my tracks. And there was no one there but Alice.

She looked at me and the realization dawned on her.

“You thought that was ME!” she said, horrified.

And then… we started to laugh. Just a chuckle at first, and then more giggles. Then we completely collapsed. We screamed and cried and held on to each other.

And all the staff sitting soberly in their cubes started to poke their heads over their gray walls. And couldn’t believe it.

I don’t think they had ever seen Alice laugh.

“WHAT? WHAT?” they all asked.

But we couldn’t explain.

But they all liked Alice a lot more after that.

 

cubestare

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

21 Comments

  1. You want farts? Try 11 brothers, that will give you fart jokes until your eyes water.

    I loved your memories thought.

    • Eleven brothers! Oh no! I only had one brother, but you reminded me of another fart memory. One evening the whole family was watching TV and all of a sudden….THAT SMELL! My mother looked at the dog and sad, “Oh, Sarge! Bad dog!” And Sarge hung his head and left the room. About five minutes later, my brother said, “I cannot tell a lie…”

  2. Classic Farts: The Lift scene with Peter Sellars in Return of the Pink Panther, and the after credits fart contest in A Knight’s Tale. Hilarious.
    You are so right though, the concept is funny, not the actual deed. When there are three of you, you can get away with being the culprit (especially when it’s a whiffy one!).

    • I think I like the concept because you can’t smell a concept.

  3. 2 brothers means plenty of ammo for these stories but the worst – the absolute 100% of all time worst – was the family farm dog who’d eat anything. We lived through dead cow farts. Dead rabbit farts. Farts so bad they’d cut glass and leave my brothers near hurling. Legendary .. and we still all laugh about how Boots could clear a room.

    There was a woman I worked with who’d light a match whenever she cracked one off … every time I smelled sulfur I knew what was coming ……….. You can’t make this stuff up!

    ~thanks for the grins!
    MJ

    • It seems that most men don’t care – no bodily function is too embarrassing for men. But women are different. I once farted in Yoga and thought seriously about never returning to that particular studio.

  4. I had no brothers. My father was the only male in the house. He made us laugh sometimes before we sped out of the room. Other times one of the girls would look guilty and run out of the room. :-D

  5. My father was talented. He could change the tone of his farts. When he let one go, my sister and I would hum the tone, declare it a B-flat or whatever, and run over to the piano to see who was right. Years later my father had colon cancer and had a colostomy bag for a while and never farted. After chemo they declared him “free” and attached his colon together again. My mother said at that point every fart he made was music from the angels.

    • Your mother was a saint.

      • You got that right. She definitely thought she was one. lol

  6. I’ve discovered that’s one of the simple pleasures of living alone – you can fart freely! Lovely to read that other women laugh at farting too, thought I was unique. My man loves that I laugh when he farts, his ex used to tell him off like a small child.

    • Even alone, I am embarrassed when I fart.

  7. Fabulous fart stories – thanks for my belly laugh of the day!

  8. Farts are funny…until you swallow one. My younger sister was a very obnoxious kid. One evening while watching TV she was lying on the back of the sofa I was sitting on. Then she got up and nonchalantly sat on my head. She refused to get off. I kept wiggling to get her off without causing any damage. Some how I bent my head back and opened my mouth really wide to bite her in the butt. She did the nasty deed and my cheeks puffed out and because she was now sitting on my face I had no choice to but to swallow it. She was such a brat, but I took great pleasure in telling every boyfriend she ever had, her kids and just recently her granddaughter. The gift that keeps on giving.

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