notquiteold

Gracefully Aging – With Resistance

Slimmer In Seconds

(A repeat from last year – now that Beach Season is here.)

 

Thank Goodness!

My first trip to the beach this year was somewhat traumatic.

But my next trip is going to be perfect.

Because SELF.com just sent me the most fantastic beach tips:  “How To Fake Slimmer In Seconds!”

And it’s so easy!

1. Break out the sparkly nail polish.  Use a flesh tone though, because, like a neutral shoe, you look longer when you don’t break up your lines. Between my fingernails and toenails, I’m good for an inch and three-quarters of ‘longer’.  Maybe even one and seven-eighths.

2. Play up good bones. Define your jaw with contouring cream. This slims your face and makes you look more angular. Since my face is as round as a cantaloupe, I am going to use this tip every day, not just at the beach.

3. Add some ‘brow pow’. (That’s a quote; and it’s clever.) Anyway, a strong brow make your face look more svelte. Yeah, svelte is SELF’s word too. Be careful, though. Even though they recommend a strong, thick brow, I’m pretty sure they meant two.

4.  Highlight your hair. Dark hair throws ugly shadows and emphasize a full chin. (I sent an email right away to Penelope Cruz. I’m sure she’ll thank me for her thinner-looking chin once she goes blond.) And you should part your hair on the side. Everyone knows that an asymmetrical part is very slimming.  I already part a little off-center.  I just need to go deeper. Maybe as low as Donald Trump’s. That would be quite asymmetrical.

5. Emphasize your abs. This is genius. You buy foundation two shades darker than your skin, and saturate a makeup sponge. (SELF says ‘dribble'; but that’s just gross.) Then you suck in your abs and trace the outline. I’ve sucked in pretty good, but I still can’t see much. I’m not deterred, however. I can draw pretty well, and I have found a nice photo I can copy. It’s Matthew McConaughey.

6. Use shimmer. For this one you need iridescent eyelid primer. Perhaps the quart size. Smear this all over your collarbones to make them stand out. This technique makes your neck look long and slim. Then use more highlight to add a line down the center of your arms and legs. This will draw the eye to the bony parts of your limbs and away from the fleshy parts.  I believe this is called the Halloween skeleton costume strategy.

And that’s all there is to it!

I’m ready!

Slimmer In Seconds!

 

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13 Comments

  1. Love this!

  2. Anything’s worth a try once! LOL!

  3. Ha, hilarious!!

  4. Hey, nice post! I’m Cameron and I’m very interested in fashion and style. I think you would enjoy my posts; I would really appreciate a follow back! Thanks!

  5. Oh my, that brought back memories of younger me reading those silly magazines and trying to copy the “tips.” But I have to say, you nailed it!

  6. By golly, it WORKS. Looks at those lines. Brilliant. :-D :-D :-D

  7. I remember this one, still funny, still brilliant. My way is better….I am too old to care. I take up two pieces of the beach and they are due to me for my hard work in life. There I said it! Mine, they are mine. But you, you are beautiful and if I were honest, I aspire to be you.

  8. very funny! but what if you go to the beach to swim?

  9. This is just awesome! I think I enjoyed the quart size primer probably the best – the results are so “stunning”! Aging gracefully, can be a bit traumatizing at times, can’t it! That’s why I like going to the beach to watch the sunset – more clothes are usually required :)

  10. mercyn620

    How come we are all so gullible!? We so want to look slimmer and willing to try anything – but do the hard work…

  11. I put in my beach time when I was young–and it was already getting pretty iffy by the time my kids were old enough to drive themselves to the beach. At that point, I decided a dark theater was a better place to entertain myself (no makeup required at all)

  12. Haha! Great tips!

  13. You left out #7. Reapply after every dip in the water or every 20 minutes of perspiring in the sun. ;-)

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