notquiteold

Gracefully Aging – With Resistance

Style Rules (According To Me)

I have a few opinions.

Some who know me might be saying “No kidding” under their breaths.

That’s okay. I’m not hurt. They do know me. And they appreciate all my helpful advice. I’m quite sure.

So here’s some of my indubitable (I love that word – my maiden name is Dube) opinions on style and beauty:

1. Hair color.

Changing your color is wonderful. Mother Nature doesn’t always know best. However. One should keep one’s haircolor within the range of hues that are at least remotely possible for human beings. Not that purple bangs can’t be cute. It’s just that no matter how plain you may think you face is, you really want people to look at it when they are speaking to you. Not your cotton candy do.

PINKHAIR

(Or your boobs, for that matter. Try to limit your boobage overflow in public.)

2. Eyebrows.

The older I get, the more I recognize that eyebrows are an important part of that same face you want people to talk to. I realize that I am slightly obsessed with eyebrows, especially since mine seem to be disappearing – or perhaps migrating to other spots on my body, one hair at a time.

Eyebrows truly frame your face. They enhance your expression.  Just look at this guy – his eyebrows convey such earnestness and melancholy.

eyebrow cat

instagram.com/samhaseyebrows

Because eyebrows have the power to communicate so much, however, you need to be really careful about the message you are giving. Too close together can look kind of mean. Too far apart might make you look childish. Too much arch and you’re permanently surprised.  And eyebrows can even make people trust you  – or not.

kimeyebrows

3. Miniskirts.

How do you know how short you can go? And at what age? I think the big mistake made by style advisors is to talk about skirt length in the context of how many inches above the knee. They are measuring from the wrong direction.  It doesn’t really matter how many inches above the knee… it matters how many inches below the crotch.

So I have worked out a little formula that calculates the exact skirt length for you:

Age x Height (inches) /500

Take me, for example:  I’m 63 and 5’5″ (65 inches).  Multiply the two numbers and you get 4,095. Divide by 500 (I don’t know why 500 works, but it does) and you get 8.19.  That’s the length the inches  – at the shortest – my skirt should be below my crotch.

Let’s take a younger, shorter person. Say she’s thirty and 5’2″.  30 times 62 divided by 500 = 3.72.  A much shorter skirt than mine, but she’s half my age with shorter thighs anyway.

Try it for yourself. And then measure your most flattering short skirt. Aha! They really should give inseam measurements on skirts, just like pants. It would be so much easier.

One caveat:  If you have a really droopy ass, you should probably add an inch or two, or measure from the droopiest part, as it may hang down significantly lower than your crotch.

Ditto for extra poufy asses.

kim again

Kim again.

4. Bathing Suits.

I have no formula for bathing suits. And I have no rules.

Wear whatever you want. Whatever feels good for you. A bikini if you want. A moomoo if you want.

I saw a meme recently that offered this advice:

How to get a bikini body:
Put a bikini on your body.

It’s the BEACH.

You are there to have fun. So have fun.

There are no rules.

Except for men.

No Speedos.

EVER.

rodstewart

No, Rod, no.

41 Comments

  1. You even remembered the droopy and the poofy – well done!
    Thanks for the men’s beach rule.

  2. Ha! An irresistible post for a math geek! 7″ is my magic number according to your formula, but even when I was young and cute I never wore a skirt that short. Then again, my legs are so long that 7″ above my knee is still only mid-thigh (exactly the same place as 7″ below my crotch; go figure…) ;-)

    • Oh, if you’re tall you should try it! Buy an inexpensive mini and give it a whirl. Maybe at the beach.

  3. I love this post though your skirt formula would put mine 8.3 inches below my crotch… a little too short for my liking, I’m afraid. I have long legs and maybe I’m just not as daring as I was when I was younger! Your rule for men is dead on though! :)

    • The formula indicates the shortest you should go.Longer is okay. (but you may want to give shorter a try – just for fun.

      • I’d definitely go that short with leggings.

  4. Ew….. No, Rod, No, indeed….

    • I wish I could un-see that. But since I couldn’t, I figured I’d share it.

  5. My butt is always cold so I’m not going to worry about a miniskirt. Sometimes I wear a long sweater just to keep it warm.
    I agree with all your rules, especially the speedo one, and if you are honest, some people should not wear a bikini under any circumstances, especially not at the beach. :-D

    • I thought that way too, until I put on a bikini this past summer. Very liberating. Like a big middle finger to the young things on the beach.

      • Hey, you only live once and I also believe we have earned to right to live it in a bikini if it feels good. :-D

  6. Ray G

    And yet, in spite of that look you showed, Rod was able to score one of the most gorgeous women on the planet; or, was it his money ?

    • He obviously didn’t go to the beach before the wedding ceremonies – with any of his wives. And while we are on the subject of Rod, he once said, “Instead of getting married again, I’m just going to find a woman I don’t like, and give her a house.”

  7. I am still smiling as I like your rules! I wore mini-skirts back in my day but wear skirts well below my knees. Some parts of our bodies should be covered up as we grow older!!! But enjoy it while you can.

    • Ah, but the beach is different. It just beckons me with freedom. Someday I want to go to a nude beach.

  8. The formula is spot on!

    • And at 70, I will only have to add an inch!

  9. OMG! Rod is etched on my retinas forever!

  10. LOL It’s a good thing I didn’t have wine in my mouth when Rod scrolled onto the screen ‘cuz it’d be all over. That is such a clever calculation for skirts; I’m going to make up copies of the formula and hand them to females on the street who are CLUELESS to your rules!!!

    • Do you think there might be a career there for me?

  11. There was a pool In France that required Speedos. It was a riot. Just watching the sort of men who think they look attractive was eye popping!

  12. At school, our skirts could be no shorter than 2 inches above the knee when we were kneeling down (teacher got us all on the floor and came at us with a ruler on the first day of every new term). A lot of the girls ‘grew’ several inches before the end of term though!
    The last mini skirt I wore was in 1975. I had a 22 inch waist, legs that seemed to go on forever and I was still a teenager. As for skirts in general (I have about 4), I haven’t worn one for years and only possess one frock. I’m a jeans and joggers kinda gal!

    • Way way back, we used to have to kneel on the floor and our skirts had to TOUCH. I failed that test a few times.

      • Ah, school days. How I miss them (not) :-)

  13. I am losing my eyebrows to0. They are migrating to above my upper lip and a few stray ones are popping up on my cheeks.

    I also hate men in Speedos.

    • One time, when my hair stylist colored my hair (to enhance my natural beauty !!), she suggested putting a little of the dye on my eyebrows. (who knew). Felt/looked weird with foamy eyebrows till time was up. But it did help ( again …. My natural beauty!)

    • And they would come out my nose – if I were not so viligent!

  14. I would say these are pretty accurate rules and you are so right about where you should be measuring from when it comes to the minis. I’m not sure I can get past that last pic though. How am I supposed to un-see that ? I’ll never be able to listen to him sing again without that image popping into my head.

    • I thought if I shared, it might unstick itself from me.

  15. Jon

    My eyebrows want me to look like Andy Rooney. I would only wear a skirt if I were a Scotsman, but I don’t like a drafty crotch.

    • But think how easy relieving yourself would be.

  16. How perfect is this post….and it speaks to today’s prompt. Link it!
    Toni

  17. May I add a few rules of my own? I’m neither ultra one way or the other…fat, skinny, buldgy..it doesn’t matter the package as long as the wrapping paper works. I think pigtails in public should be for women 10 and younger. No matter how cute/sexy/adventurous you think they make you look, they don’t. Trust me. Length of skirt — if you bend over and I can see Mt. Vesuvius it’s time to reconsider. I say be adventurous, be confident, but also be smart. Deep down inside you know what makes the clock tick. Heh…

  18. I’m not unattractive. I don’t suffer from bell fat or ass droop issues. I have been blessed with good genes but I’m not gloating about that. I’m simply amazed by how much breast tissue women are displaying and wonder why they don’t know how bad they look. I’m grossed out by waitresses who bend down to place food on tables and allow us a belly button view. That’s why I’m glad you mentioned this in passing: (Or your boobs, for that matter. Try to limit your boobage overflow in public.) I’d go even further and say that if I can see your breasts and we aren’t on the beach then cover up!

  19. Great perception as usual, Nancy. My legs are quite good and the formula works well, but it may not work for everyone.

    With regard to Rod Stewart: ugh! In Australia we have appropriately nicknamed Speedos “budgie smugglers”. Thank goodness for board shorts.

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