notquiteold

Gracefully Aging – With Resistance

No Resolution Required!

I’ve made New Years’ Resolutions for years. (“I’m Going Big” and “I’m Going Small”) But this year, I don’t need a resolution.

Because I’ve received a sign! A fabulous omen!

From Groupon.

Hypnosis.

That’s right. Who needs resolve when you really just need a suggestion while you nap?

I have been granted TWO sixty-minute sessions for a measly eighty bucks. And it’s practically guaranteed, given the reinforcement of a follow-up session. I am planning to have the hypnosis dude repeat each resolution twenty times in a session. So forty times total. How could this not work?  And I’ve done the math:  Figure five seconds for each resolution, which is easy even if he is a slow-talker (which they all are; I’ve seen enough creepy movies). Anyway, that equals twelve per minute, so going through them all twenty times in 60 minutes allows for THIRTY-SIX resolutions!

At $80, that’s only $2.22 for each resolution. That’s a bargain!

So here they are.  I’ve kept them short so five seconds each is totally do-able.

  1. Potato chips are nasty.
  2. Folding laundry is fun.
  3. Sudoku is a waste of time.
  4. French fries are gross.
  5. Vacuuming is cool.
  6. Vacuuming under the bed is especially cool
  7. E-mail can wait five minutes.
  8. Pizza is disgusting.
  9. Cleaning closets is a pleasure.
  10. Finishing my novel is a piece of cake.
  11. Cake is awful.
  12. Computer games suck.
  13. No one needs more than three pairs of shoes.
  14. Paying bills is engrossing.
  15. Changing the litter box is delightful.
  16. Bacon is horrid.
  17. Washing windows is enjoyable.
  18. Pie is crummy. (a little pie humor for the half-way point)
  19. Dusting is exhilarating.
  20. Cookies are crappy.
  21. Cleaning fish is amusing.
  22. Pumping gas is a riot.
  23. Ice cream is lousy.
  24. Sleeping late makes you sick.
  25. Cheap haircuts are fine.
  26. Cheese is terrible.
  27. Vacations are for idiots.
  28. Waiting for the repairman is always worthwhile.
  29. Makeup is a waste of money.
  30. Taxes are entertaining.
  31. Nachos are flavorless.
  32. Driving in the snow is refreshing.
  33. Old clothes are best.
  34. Diamonds are ugly.
  35. Accompanying hubby to the hardware store is riveting. (a little hardware humor for the end)

and Finally:

36. Chocolate never made anything better.

I figure I’ll be perfect by mid-January.

 

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49 Comments

  1. Good luck with this. I think maybe you are too smart for any hypnosis to work.

    • But I’m certainly suggestible enough. Catalog companies love me.

      • But with catalogs they send you stuff you want and like and they don’t take your stuff. This hypnosis thing would take a lot of stuff you like then what would you have? No cookies!

  2. wonderful! Although, I do have to argue about the potato chips… nothing could cure me of those heavenly bites of salty goodness… great post.

    • Notice they are first on my list.

      • modenagirl

        They’d be first on my list, and second is chocolate!! How come you waited for the last to mention chocolate?

        • Because it’s last on my list of what I want to give up.

      • I can not pass up a chip…. they are my weakness and I have to just not buy any because I can eat a bag in one sitting…

  3. I don’t see how this could fail. I’m going to go round up 8 dollars.

  4. I love this! And who needs hypnpsis? Just repeat the resolutions 10 times a day..while ypu eat pizza and watch the laundry pile up!

    • But I would need a resolution for the repetitions….

  5. I could care less about potato chips but anything to do with housework *grins* I need some help nowadays. Never used to but now so many much more interesting projects entice me. I actually LIKE your idea of hypnosis although I can only wish it would work. Good luck. Let me know now you make out. Happy New Year. :-)

    • I do housework – I just wish I didn’t hate doing it.

      • I do it too but I don’t have any passion for it either. Passion. Can you believe I used to have passion for HOUSEwork? Eek.

        Happy New Year, Nancy. May 2014 be outstanding for you.

  6. These all look like perfectly reasonable and achievable resolutions to me. Of course I am just pouring my 4th glass of wine, so perhaps you should add some more to the list?

    • Yes!

      • We obviously think alike!

    • I have a nice glass of red wine about once or twice a week. I would never give it up.

  7. good list, I think I could pinch a few of those for myself, especially the chocolate one :)

    • Chocolate actually does make things better.

  8. Don’t give up the Sudoku. It keeps the brain from aging.

    • It does. But it also keeps me from finishing my novel.

      • Maybe you could incorporate it into the novel. Make it a mystery to solve. With numbers.

  9. Reblogged this on Stories.

  10. Found chocolate covered potato chips at Trader Joe’s – perfect if you need an out..

    • That sounds like the Perfect Food.

    • My new definition of Super Food!

  11. Your list is great! Not sure if you’re serious about the hypnosis: I wouldn’t be brave enough to try that; too afraid I’d never come out of it!
    Happy New Year – thanks for all the chuckles.

    • Actually, I have a friend who used hypnosis to give up smoking. It was 25 years ago – and it worked!

  12. my neighbor also gave up smoking through hypnosis – one session and she’d smoked for 15 years. so, I don’t know whether to say – good luck or be careful! ;o)

    • As I said above to Dianna – I have a friend who has not smoked in 25 years -due to hypnosis. So although I make fun of it – there is certainly something to be said for those kinds of results.

  13. Ha ha! Very clever! Good luck and Happy New Year!

  14. I can (almost) hypnotize myself just thinking about all the resolutions I should be making! Great post.

    • Who needs willpower it’s so much easier to just make an appointment?

  15. Hmmm. $2.22 per resolution? Still laughing. Thanks for that.

  16. Jon

    I just don’t think I could live a life of total denial with just hypnosis. High voltage electro-shock therapy would work for a short time. Maybe.

    • But I don’t have to give up EVERYTHING. I still have wine.

  17. Loved it! I have been trying to convince myself of the validity of many of those resolutions for years now…still haven’t been able to affirm that pizza and cheese are terrible though! I did like how you approached the resolution concept with such humor and creativity — no reason to start the New Year feeling stale and bored! Great stuff!

    • Thanks. In retrospect, I might need more than two sessions to give up SHOPPING.

  18. Will you let us know how this works? If you are successful perhaps I will try it; I would even be willing to pay up to $3 per resolution.

    Riveting at the hardware store, you are going all out.

    • And just today I went to the hardware store with hubby. It wasn’t riveting – but I haven’t had the hypnosis yet.

  19. Good luck with the “cookies are crappy” thing…… and BTW – Happy New Year! :)

  20. But if finishing your novel is a piece of cake and cake is awful, how likely are you to finish it?

    • Oh no! I KNEW that there might be a slight flaw in my logic!!

  21. I can’t believe you just said that bacon was horrid on the internet. Good luck on your hyno-lutions. :)

  22. Some of these are sheer madness! Madness, I tell you
    Not to mention #10 & #11 make your novel awful. Madness, I tell you.

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