They Obviously Asked The Wrong People
The response to my bikini dilemma was overwhelming.
Just about everyone encouraged me to go for it.
But as enthusiastic as you were, I figured I should seek a professional opinion too.
So I did a search - “How old is too old for a bikini?”
And I found an article that puts age limits on all kinds of apparel. According to a survey by the Daily Mail of the UK, the maximum bikini age is 47.
I am so over that threshold.
And that’s not all.
Here’s how fashion ages out:
- 33 Tube Top
- 34 Leather Pants
- 35 Mini-Skirt
- 35 Belly Button Piercing
- 40 See-Through Blouse
- 44 Sneakers
- 45 Leggings
- 47 Bikini
- 47 Knee-High Boots
- 51 Stilettos
- 53 Long Hair
- 61 Swimsuit
According to the Daily Mail, the first thing to go is the tube top. Age 33, and you’re out of there. I have to say I agree. Actually, I would agree if the Daily Mail suggested that you could only use a tube top for a beer cozy – at any age.
Please note that this was a survey of women.
No man would eliminate Leather Pants and Mini-Skirts quite so early on.
By which I mean:
Jennifer Lopez, 43.
And sneakers? Now I’m not much of a sneaker person, but forty-four? My mother is twice that age, and loves her velcro tennis shoes. And hers are metallic, by the way.
I’ve never been able to walk in stilettos, but don’t you dare tell me I should have given up my knee-high boots fourteen years ago. We are talking to the knee - not Pretty Woman Hooker Boots.
But my main question was whether I should wear a bikini.
Not only I am fourteen years too late, but this is MY LAST YEAR TO EVEN WEAR A BATHING SUIT!
Is my sixty-one year old body THAT unsightly? Will someone puke if they see my legs?
This was a British study. Did they not see the photo from 2008 of their own Helen Mirren? – at 62!:
The only opinion that counts is MINE. (And Helen Mirren’s.)
I’m not going to age gracefully.
If you are offended by my body, you may avert your eyes.