notquiteold

Gracefully Aging – With Resistance

I Need Insurance

Last week I had a dream in which my husband was sitting with a big cup of coffee – (which is realistic, but given this dream, it probably should have been a big martini) – and he said to me:

“Your body is looking so good this summer – you should go out and get a bikini.”

And I said,

“Are you kidding?  I already have two bathing suits. We could never afford the insurance for three.”

Yeah – that’s what I said in this dream. I didn’t say, “Good Lord, I’m sixty-one” or “Absolutely” or even “You must be horny” – I said that we couldn’t afford the insurance for three bathing suits.

Swimsuit insurance is a crazy idea. Although I do remember back in college when a big wave ripped off one string from my string bikini.

But even though I don’t need swimsuit insurance, it got me to thinking about insurance I would like to have:

Query Insurance.

I wish I had insurance that would protect me against sending out query letters to literary agents that tout my novel but have a really stupid typo.  And in case you think this is trivial… long ago, I had a job typing the channel guide in the infancy of cable tv and let me tell you – there is a big difference between ‘public access’ and ‘pubic access’.

Toaster Insurance.

I want a policy that will allow me to replace the english muffins that are not perfectly toasted. Or a toaster that won’t screw them up.

Condiment Insurance.

I want ketchup without a crust around the spout. I want mayonnaise that doesn’t look weirdly yellow when you get to the bottom of the jar. I want mustard that doesn’t pee on your sandwich before the mustard finally comes out.

Event Insurance.

I want a guarantee that I won’t get a run in my stocking at that big wedding. And it should not rain on my hair. AND I’m sixty-one, for God’s sake: I should be compensated generously if I have a pimple on the night of my class reunion.

Travel Insurance.

Lots of people have travel insurance. I want some specific riders on my policy:

If I am driving, I want a gas station exactly when I need one, and a parking space when I finally get where I am going.

I want the clothes in my suitcase to come out the same way I put them in. I pack carefully. Where the hell do all the wrinkles come from?

I want a hotel room where the air conditioner doesn’t sound like the Concorde. And blinds that close all the way.

If I am flying, I want a guarantee that kid behind me won’t kick my seat. With a double jeopardy bonus clause once he hits it one thousand times.

And especially,

I want protection against the inevitable and deliberate turbulence that hits just when I am in the restroom.

31 Comments

  1. Laurie MacKellar

    Oh I love the one about the mustard peeing on a sandwich. It always does that (and ketchup too) which is why I always insist on letting it pee before squirting it on my sandwiches. This whole piece is funny

  2. This is delicious. Sorry, but it IS and a fabulous idea to boot.
    You will only have to hope what the insurance promises to provide is what they cover in the end–not try to get out of when you need it. Ha ha. Sticky wicket.

  3. Flossie

    Where can I get this insurance???

  4. I love this! I want hotel insurance that : a) prevents me from being located in a room directly below the one where ten kids are having a contest as to who can bounce the highest on the bed and come down on the floor with the loudest bang; and b) provides a cone of silence in the hallways so the people who walk down the hall bellowing at each other and banging their suitcases at two o’clock in the morning are completely inaudible. Oh, and while I’m at it… c) I want three-ply toilet paper!

    • Oh – good ones! And I don’t want to hear anyone’s sexual escapades.

  5. HYSTERICAL! I would buy all of these, and I’m pretty sure I could come up with a list of a few more.

  6. Do you need “query insurance” for your visit to the restroom?

    Great post, Nancy, as always.

  7. Brilliant, especially the mustard pee. What is that anyway? I would like cell phone insurances the reimburses me from having to overhear anyone’s inane cell phone ramblings.

    • I think you could get very rich.

  8. i want thirty-minute meal insurance.

  9. I think all condiments pee even pickle relish. How about bloat insurance which I only get when I have a fancy party.

    • At fancy party time, I’d like a policy to protect me from my husband making a big mess.

  10. this was a perfect post – it so encompasses all the insurances I need too! well done!

  11. I want movie insurance. If I sit down to watch a movie and it stinks, I not only want my money back, I want those two hours of my life back, too.

    • Yes, yes, yes! And I want “To Be Continued” Insurance for TV shows where you become engrossed only to find that the conclusion is not until next week.

  12. Oh, I’ve both saved a boss from, and been embarrassed by, the fact that spellcheck gives not one damn about the difference between public and pubic. But you are not too old for a bikini! Inspired by Helen Mirren (my age, 67), I got two last year and wear them even with all my surgical scars. Proudly. Google the image of Helen in a bikini.

    • I forgot about those photos of Helen Mirren. That red bikini! Oh my!

  13. Dienna

    “Mustard pee”—HA! I’ll never look at mustard the same way again.

    I’d like an addition to my renter’s insurance. I’d like to know that I won’t be woken up late at night by the 20-somethings that stumble through the halls loud and wasted.

  14. LOL. I want insomnia insurance and migraine insurance that pays me big bucks when they hit at the same time … like right now!! Anybody got an aspirin?

  15. The pimple insurance, oh yeah I want that! What god thought it would be funny for us to revisit puberty at the same time we were having hot flashes?

    I want the following travel insurance: Not to be seated next to the man who wants to talk to me, really can’t you see I am reading? Not to be seated next to or for that matter anywhere near the squalling infant, can’t you see I have a patience problem? Not to follow anyone into the airplane bathroom who hasn’t cleaned up after themselves, really must you pee on the seat and the floor and leave it for the rest of us?

    Hotel Insurance: Temp controls that are something other than Arctic and Sahara. If the shower curtain chases me and proceeds to cling to my azz while I am bathing I get double compensation. If the toilet seat is not securely anchored and moves when I sit pinching me and leaving a bruise I get triple compensation. If I am able to see stains on the sheets of the bed when I pull back the covers, I do not care that they appear to have been cleaned I get quadrupedal compensation and you will bring new sheets. If the towels feel like sandpaper I get a week at a 5 star spa of my selection.

    Those are all.

    Great post, just thought I would add.

    • What is it with clingy shower curtains? They are felons.

      • I could do an entire blog post or stand up routine about hotel rooms and shower curtains in particular.

  16. You are always at the top of my list to receive awards. I like this one and it reminds me of you because no matter how much fun you poke at yourself, I know you are elegant. I’m therefore nominating you for The Mrs. Sparkly’s Ten Commandments Award. For details see http://countryliving4beginners.wordpress.com/2012/08/12/a-sparkly-award/ . :)

    • Thank you for the award, and for following my blog. I hope I make you laugh once in a while.

  17. Michelle Gillies

    Oh the irony…all of these are sadly, all to common occurrences that should be insurable. We laugh but, we have all been there. Sign me up!

  18. Teresa Cleveland Wendel

    Can I get hotel insurance that guarantees that I won’t get a room next to the elevator and the ice machine?

  19. pharphelonus

    Shake that mustard, Nancy. Lol

  20. I would buy condiment insurance.

    Would event insurance cover it when some other chick is wearing the exact same dress? Would someone leap out of the bushes and cover her with a sheet? If so, I’m buying that one, too.

    • I would only need the insurance if she looked better than me. If she looked worse, that would be okay.

  21. Wow, Mustard pee? Interesting observation! I can relate. LOL

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