notquiteold

Gracefully Aging – With Resistance

Slimmer In Seconds!

Thank Goodness!

My first trip to the beach this year was somewhat traumatic.

But my next trip is going to be perfect.

Because SELF.com just sent me the most fantastic beach tips:  “How To Fake Slimmer In Seconds!”

And it’s so easy!

1. Break out the sparkly nail polish.  Use a flesh tone though, because, like a neutral shoe, you look longer when you don’t break up your lines. Between my fingernails and toenails, I’m good for an inch and three-quarters of ‘longer’.  Maybe even one and seven-eighths.

2. Play up good bones. Define your jaw with contouring cream. This slims your face and makes you look more angular. Since my face is as round as a cantaloupe, I am going to use this tip every day, not just at the beach.

3. Add some ‘brow pow’. (That’s a quote; and it’s clever.) Anyway, a strong brow make your face look more svelte. Yeah, svelte is SELF’s word too. Be careful, though. Even though they recommend a strong, thick brow, I’m pretty sure they meant two.

4.  Highlight your hair. Dark hair throws ugly shadows and emphasize a full chin. (I sent an email right away to Penelope Cruz. I’m sure she’ll thank me for her thinner-looking chin once she goes blond.) And you should part your hair on the side. Everyone knows that an asymmetrical part is very slimming.  I already part a little off-center.  I just need to go deeper. Maybe as low as Donald Trump’s. That would be quite asymmetrical.

5. Emphasize your abs. This is genius. You buy foundation two shades darker than your skin, and saturate a makeup sponge. (SELF says ‘dribble'; but that’s just gross.) Then you suck in your abs and trace the outline. I’ve sucked in pretty good, but I still can’t see much. I’m not deterred, however. I can draw pretty well, and I have found a nice photo I can copy. It’s Matthew McConaughey.

6. Use shimmer. For this one you need iridescent eyelid primer. Perhaps the quart size. Smear this all over your collarbones to make them stand out. This technique makes your neck look long and slim. Then use more highlight to add a line down the center of your arms and legs. This will draw the eye to the bony parts of your limbs and away from the fleshy parts.  I believe this is called the Halloween skeleton costume strategy.

And that’s all there is to it!

I’m ready!

Slimmer In Seconds!

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50 Comments

  1. I choked at “Matthew McConaughey!

    You look great!

  2. Bonnie

    But if you have to wear all that makeup to the beach, then you can’t swim! What fun is that?

    • I figure to spray my whole body with Aquanet hairspray, and all my subtle slimming tricks will last all day.

  3. This was hilarious – especially number three when you made note that surely they meant two brows and not a uni! My hint – I wear lipstick–hoping that will draw the eye away from everything else.

  4. Funny! Funny! Funny! – Or LOL as they say. Maybe getting a spray tan would help me too, along with the heavy brows, bright lipstick for distraction, and a flesh colored pedi! :)

    • Just think of how thin you will look with the right toenail polish.

  5. Too funny – great illustration…once again!

  6. i could not wait for the illustration and had to scroll down before reading the entire post. genius. you look WAY slimmer.

  7. so how many hours will it take to get dressed for the beach? It will probably be dusk so there are no worries. You will look great!

    • Seconds! SELF.com promises that it will just take SECONDS!

  8. I love this!!!

  9. this gave me such a great laugh!!! you look fab! :)

    i can’t stand those articles, or quick how-to’s on making you _____ in seconds or minutes. I mean c’mon. really?

    the donald trump bit had me almost slap my knee at how hilarious it was.

  10. This beats liposuction by a mile!!!

    • I think all clothes should have white lines down the arms and legs and abs drawn across the torso. No need for dieting EVER!

      • Great idea. You are a fashion DIVA!

  11. I cannot stop laughing. I didn’t realize that painting my nails was the first step to looking slimmer. Why didn’t anyone tell me?!

  12. Oh, geez. I’ve got some work to do.

  13. This made me laugh, especially the ab one.

  14. I’ve read, but never commented before. This one had me howling. With laughter. So many great one-liners in there! Round as a cantaloupe, two brows, Halloween skeleton costume… what a hoot!

    • Thanks for stopping by (and weighing in… no pun intended.)

  15. Hide! Nancy’s on the beach! (Any tips for a SQUARE face?)

    • SELF didn’t say, but if I extrapolate from the other suggestions, I think a circular contouring around you nose would disguise a square face. It is called the Ronald McDonald technique.

  16. I’m guessing with all of that slimness painted on, you can’t actually go in the water. It would be an instantaneous before and after picture.

    • My plan is to spray my entire body with Aquanet hairspray. Everything will stay put under the shellac.

  17. I snorted iced tea reading about your Matthew McConaughey abs! OMG, the word pictures you paint!

  18. Can I tell you my secret?

    I just simply don’t care!

    But this was genius!

  19. Sometimes, the advice they give women these days depresses me.

    • On the other hand, it makes me laugh!

  20. I, too, laughed out loud (okay, I really snorted) when I pictured you copying Matthew McConaughey’s abs onto your stomach with dark foundation. And, thank God you mentioned that both brows should be darkly painted. I would have felt foolish with just one Sharpie-enhanced brow. And I would have looked lopsided, to boot. Has Penelope Cruz responded yet? Maybe she’ll request that you do a bikini scene in her next movie. Nah, she wouldn’t want to stand next to anyone as slim and defined as you are.

    • I think Penelope must already be drawing those lines on her body. I mean, look how good she looks – she must be following those tips!

  21. love! i wish i would have known that before my beach vacation (finding all this great, QUICK info out my last night in Mexico) My nails are neon…no wonder i’ve been feeling pudgy and didn’t want to take my picture in a bikini

    • With neutral nail polish, you certainly would have looked svelte.

  22. I’ve been meaning to tell Penelope about her fat chin for years now. Thank you for putting a stop to this horrible situation.

  23. 73skiddo

    Love your blog. Your illustrations, like this one, heighten the humor. What medium to you use to draw and post? Adobe Illustrator? justinegian@aol.com

    • Thanks. I’m glad you like my blog. I draw freehand. I use pens to color (like Tombow or Prismacolor). Then I scan my drawing and upload to pixlr.com (online – and free) for cropping, background color, and framing. The drawing usually takes an hour or less. Adding the enhancements is only a few minutes. I have found that with practice, it’s getting easier, and I am having as much fun with the drawing as with the writing.

  24. This is fantastic and so very entertaining!

  25. Michelle Gillies

    Can you believe people actually make a living with these life altering “tips”. Of course they fail to mention…stay out of the water at the beach because you will go in looking slim and come out looking like a beached whale.

  26. Oh, my…. this is definitely one of those posts I wish I’d been clever enough to write. Thank/damn you! ;) Seriously, though, part of me can’t believe you’re not making this up. But I read a lot of dumb magazines, so….. yup. I believe it. Beautiful send-up!

  27. I’ve been painting my nails for years and I still look like a little chunk! What am I doing wrong? :) Delightful post and not far off-base when it comes to the BS we’re told as women will make us “look better.” I liked your earlier post encouraging us all to get out there in our bathing suits and accept ourselves as we are. (Easier said than done, but I’m working on itl) Thanks again for a fun read.

    • Neutral shades, Eleanor… a neutral toenail polish will take 10 lbs off your thighs.

  28. Are you sure it has to be two brows? I’ve always felt Bert from Sesame Street was pretty damn sexy.

    Nice abs! I’d like my make-up to make me look taller — is that possible?

    • I think for “taller” you just need to angle your ab highlighting. As you darken those “muscles”, think Christmas Tree…

  29. This was definitely one of your very best, funniest posts. I’ve seem similar articles and I usually just shake my head in disbelief and make little ‘tut tut’ noises, but you brought the whole thing to life very well. I’m curious, though – do you put the glitter on your collarbones, the contouring cream on your face and the foundation on your abs BEFORE or AFTER you put on your sunscreen (or do you just forgo the ‘SPF’ and lie rigidly in the shade so nothing slides off or gets mussed)?!?!? To be honest, I just might consider some of these tips worth trying – if Matthew McConaughey offered to put the foundation on my abs! Thanks for the laugh.

    Margo

  30. Oh, your part in the picture killed me! As did this line: ” Even though they recommend a strong, thick brow, I’m pretty sure they meant two.”

  31. Draw on your abs! I like it! Better not wash off though – I’ll go in slim and come out all baggy.

  32. Just joined this WordPress train – finally getting a chance to read what other people are up to. Loved this! Very funny. Totally gonna try the “painting my abs” trick. See if my husband notices LOL. And I never thought about the sparkly nail polish. Gonna do that too. Thanks for the laugh :)

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