notquiteold

Gracefully Aging – With Resistance

He Scores!

Everyone likes lists.

The Top 100 Books Of All Time, The 20 Worst Breakfast Foods, Ten Biggest Bugs of North America, The Six Stupidest Politicians…(maybe that was sixty).

And you know who REALLY likes lists?

iVillage.

I signed up for emails from iVillage several years ago. At the time, I thought that I would get lots of discounts for makeup.

But I get Lists.

Every day.

Lots of cupcake recipes (80!), and hairstyles (42 – which bear a disconcerting resemblance to the cupcakes). And now that June is almost upon us, there are lists of wedding gowns (200) and engagement rings (125).

I hardly ever open these emails, what with all the blogs I’m committed to. And then there are the literary agent rejection letters choking up my inbox.

But this list caught my eye last week:

“The Ten Lies Men Tell Women”

And I just had to know how my husband ranks among the other husband/liars.

1.  “No, you don’t look fat.”

Yeah, he does that. Just this week I told him that it kind of hurts my feelings when he says that Dancing With The Stars’ Cheryl Burke has a big ass, given the size of mine. He said, “But you’re smaller than Cheryl Burke.” Yeah, he did.  It’s my all-time favorite lie.  Score: 10 out of 10 on the Pants-On-Fire Meter.


2. “I don’t enjoy going to strip joints.”

Nope. He’s never uttered that sentence. But he doesn’t need to lie either. He has my blessing. If he likes to see women take off their clothes – well, duh. I was even okay when he went to jello wrestling. “Just don’t come home sticky,” I warned.  Score: 0 on the No-Big-Deal Meter.

 3. “We’ll talk about it later.”

Naw. Twenty years of marriage has taught him not to bother with a discussion. Just apologize. Score: 0 on the Don’t-Even-Argue-With-Me-Cause-I’m-Right Meter.


4. “You remind me of Jennifer Lopez.”

That’s a No. He doesn’t even try to wipe up the drool. But he did say that I’m better looking than Sarah Jessica Parker. I’ll take it.  Score: 5 on the Prettier-Than-A-Movie-Star Meter.

5. “I love your cooking.”

Yes, he says it all the time. And it’s not a lie. He loves my food. However, when we were first married, I had a lot to live up to. His first wife was quite the gourmet. He used to rave about her Chicken With Peanut Sauce. One day when he was reminiscing about that particular dish (again), I said, “Let’s call her and ask her to make some for us.” He hasn’t mention Chicken With Peanut Sauce since.  Score: 1 on the I’ll-Eat-Anything-Anyway Meter.

6. “I don’t think about other women.”

He can’t even pretend on that one. I’ve been to the beach with him. All those bikinis. But let him look. At his age, no one looks back. And besides, tattoos gross him out. That makes me the most attractive woman on the eastern seaboard.  Score: 3 on the I-Love-Wedgies meter.


7. “You can use my razor to shave your legs.”

He doesn’t have to lie on that one. I don’t want to borrow his things. Not any of his things. He can keep the razor. He can keep the truck. He can keep the Gene Autry records.  Score 0 on the Yodeling-Cowboy meter.


8. “I love Meg Ryan movies.”

He’ll watch. Because I control the remote. But I love him, so sometimes I will tell him when Drag Racing is on. Does he like Romantic Comedy?  Does it have a car chase? A shoot-out? Clint Eastwood?  Score:  5 on the Make-My-Day Meter.


9. “I love spending time with your mother.”

He likes my mother. He really does. He’s very comfortable with her. He usually falls asleep in her presence – he’s that comfortable.  Score: 4 on the I’ll-Kick-You-Under-The-Table Meter.


10. “I’m sorry.”

See #3.

Score:  A Big 10 on the I-Can’t-Take-The-Silent-Treatment Meter.

***

OVERALL SCORE  (think Golf, Not Bowling): 38!  

Pretty Good on the We’re-Still-Married-After-Twenty-Years Meter!

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30 Comments

  1. Great list. Normally I avoid lists, especially those with anything to do with training your man. You know the lists I am referring to I’m sure. Disturbing trend if you ask me. But this was more in the line of analyzing your man, than with training tips, and I can’t resist the call to analyize. From your prelude I think we are on the same track in regards to lists. That said . .

    Normally I don’t say much about my husband in public forums, but I feel like bursting on number 5. My husband used to always comment that my meatloaf wasn’t like his mother’s. Not that it wasn’t as good, or that he wished it was more like his mother’s, just the general comment “It’s not like my mother’s” and a kind of confused shrug. Eventually, I made a suggestion very similar to the one you made to your husband. Every now and then, he still smiles, and says “not like my mother’s” then adds an “yum”

    • I know a couple who go their separate ways on Thanksgiving, because HE likes his mother’s Thanksgiving stuffing and SHE likes her mother’s.

      • A bit like separate vacations, and double sinks in the bathroom, but if it works.

  2. Too funny…we’re still together after twenty years, but I have a feeling it’s because I don’t rate him on these scales… :-)

  3. great score (and your hubby’s cute! well, according to your drawing ;o). i am now might have to test my hubby.

  4. I am fairly certain your husband rates far higher than most. I think most of us love him at this point and hold him as a measuring stick to our own (epic fail).

    • I think I need to do a post where I list his WORST habits. You’ll feel much better about your own spouses.

  5. I like lists. I was laughing while reading your list. thanks for my morning chuckle with my coffee.

  6. lol – thanks – you seem pretty open-minded–maybe I should take a lesson or two from you

  7. mary i

    I love the fact that You are open minded. I also think your hubby could teach mine a thing or two. great post! You made MY day. :)

  8. Valerie Fletcher Adolph

    Made my day! Thank you.

  9. I hate lists, but I like what you do with them! Thanks…

  10. Best list ever.

  11. Red

    I am going to have to see where Bear stacks up on this list…Loved it.
    Red.

  12. t

    I would NEVER use #7. Well, I would actually never use most of these, but definitely NOT #7!

  13. Terrific list. Thanks for my lunchtime chuckle.

  14. I read this one to my husband and he cracked up (an old way of saying he was rolling on the floor laughing)! You always verge on the truth and you are so funny and your drawings are the guffaw factor!

    • Did your husband admit to any of these?

  15. I’ve been married long enough to know my evaluation of my husband can very wildly!!
    Today is a good day. Last Tuesday, not so much.

  16. “Vary” not “very”.

    • I hate that WordPress won’t let you edit comments. Just yesterday I wrote buy instead of but…the meaning really changed. But back to the subject…Oh yes, today he flunks.

  17. Here’s the my main question. Does Meg Ryan still make enough movies to warrant being one of the top ten lies of all times?

    • Good point. But she’s still a good metaphor for every movie that men hate.

  18. This is the BEST post you’ve had so far. I absolutely love it.
    (Now I hope I don’t go to spam.)

    • Well, thanks. I guess some of the credit has to go to iVillage for such a esoteric list.

  19. Michelle Gillies

    Sounds like he’s a keeper…and like you have trained him well.

  20. Great post! Cap’n Firepants doesn’t have to lie on most of these because I DON’T ASK HIM! Anyone who asks their husband if she looks fat is just looking for an argument!

  21. Is it wrong that I want your follow-up post to be about the Jell-O wrestling?

  22. Michael Tyler

    Excellent. I think you both showed very well on that list. And yes, I will be waiting for the Jell-O wrestling sequel.

  23. Love it! It must be lovely to be so comfortable together after 20 yrs you can laugh at things!

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