notquiteold

Gracefully Aging – With Resistance

Vacation Plans

This week,Coming East wrote about her “Anti-Bucket List” – about all the things she would never want to do.

The first thing that popped into my head was that I didn’t want to eat any bugs.

Because I don’t care to ingest insects, I guess I would not be a very good candidate for “Survivor”.

I guess if I were starving I would eat a bug. But why would I ever want to be starving? For a TV show?

Nope.

No “Survivor” for me.

I don’t care to eat bugs. Nor do I care to have them eat me. Have you seen the bug bites on Survivor contestants?

And I wouldn’t want to play tackle football in the mud. Or stand on a ladder-thingee until my feet cramp up.

Most of all, I won’t give up my contact lenses, my hair dye, my blow dryer, my mousse, my concealer and mascara, my iron, clean panties, high heels, and cable TV. And my tweezers. And I need a hot shower every day with moisturizing soap, and bristle-free armpits, and perfume. I don’t like my own body odor much, and I detest anyone else’s. I want to brush and floss and I want everyone else to brush and floss. I want air conditioning if it’s hot and a nice fireplace if it’s cold. And I am extremely picky about my coffee.

I’m very good at puzzles like the ones they’re always doing in “Survivor”, but it also appears that you have to wear a bikini during puzzle-making.  My bikini days ended in 1984.

However…

They usually shoot those shows someplace very sultry – the better for bikini-wearing, I guess. Blue water and white sand. Palm trees. And I am so ready for a tropical island. I need a vacation.

And I can do it.

Here’s how:

I get on the show with a fantastic video audition. I will inspire them with my triumph over my mysterious illness (I’ll come up with a good one), and then show them a few of my Zumba moves.

Once I get there, I pull the old switcheroo. I act so obnoxious my tribemates will be screaming to get rid of me.

But can a woman as sweet as me be obnoxious enough?  Oh yeah. Just ask my older sisters.

I’ll do my nails while the other guys are building our shelter. I’ll use the drinking water to clean my hairbrush. I’ll request a gluten-free diet. I’ll flash the youngest guy on the tribe. I’ll let it slip that I have a bad heart. I’ll ask everyone to please not pee in the ocean. All in the first day.

I’ll cry. (That strategy worked with my sisters.)

And my tribe will throw the first challenge just to get rid of me.

And I’ll spend the next 38 days back at the hotel. I’ll bask in the sun and drink margaritas and wait for the starving bug-bitten dirty smelly winners to finish up.

28 Comments

  1. Sounds like a plan….. I’m with you on all the things you couldn’t be without except the high heels. My high heel days ended in 1984.
    As usual, very funny post!

  2. Chris

    Guess I won’t be seeing you on Lake Umbagog (but I think MY Lake Umbagog days may be over).

  3. Proceed with caution. There is ALWAYS the chance that there will be someone the group wants to get rid of more than you, so you may end up having to survive three challenges before you get voted off.

    • Oh, I have confidence that I can be more obnoxious than anyone.

  4. Nice plan, but don’t think it will work. Don’t they always keep the really wimpy ones around for awhile so they all look good in comparison? But, more importantly, why are you all awake and commenting so early on a Sunday morning? 6:18, 7:48, 8:01…really???!

  5. Hey, that’s another good one. I’ll inform my fellow tribe mates that I need to sleep late.

  6. Ha! Love it! And I have to ask – what kind of coffee do you drink? I’m really picky too, and it gets annoying because (especially at work events and hotels) it’s always crap.

    Not that I do anything too fancy. I drink Newman’s Own extra bold – just using our Keurig, and it’s awesome! I also like Starbucks.

    • Must be 100% Colombian with a bit of half-and-half. I will demand real half-and-half from my fellow tribemates.

  7. Dor

    I can never top your list of Anti-Bucket List items because you have said it all and your list is mine! Hilarious but true.

  8. With all these good ideas, you should get to choose the island, too. And the hotel.

  9. I was considering an anti-bucket list, mine would be longer than yours but would include all of yours.

    Hysterical as always. Thank you for sharing this, my Sunday has started perfectly for it.

  10. Ahh. But here’s where the psychology of Survivor could work against you. The other members might think that you are so obnoxious that they should leave you in the running until it’s down to two people. They would want you to be the other person because then they would be assured everyone would vote for them at the end.
    But I still think you should try it ;)

  11. Great plan! I’m still laughing. Oh, the images your post brings to mind…

  12. You had me at coffee. No Starbucks, no Kate. I also think you should wow them with your advanced yoga poses too!

    • Ummm, I don’t have any advanced Yoga poses. I’ve been practicing Yoga for ten years, and I am still in the beginners’ class.

  13. GENIUS! Do it!

  14. What a fab way to get yourself an exotic holiday! Wonderful funny piece – really enjoyed reading this – wonderful!

  15. I like your picture in the bikini. Looks just like me except I have grey hair wear glasses, my chest is flatter and belly bigger. Otherwise we could be twins.

    Oh, if I had to eat a bug there better be lots of chocolate to dip it in.

    • I’ve taken care of the grey hair and the glasses. Given up on the other two.

  16. Thanks for making me laugh. I like way you think! :)

  17. You’re a shoe in to get on the show: (1) have a plan (2) carry out plan (3) strategize. You’re got to go. So comical. I laughed right to the end.

  18. Yep, you and I think alike, sister-friend! My idea of “camping” (a must for survivor) is a Hampton Inn with a black and white TV. No can do, no can do. If God wanted me to “rough it” he would have made me a bug. :) Good read.

  19. Love the idea of an anti-bucket list. Me too – I like my creature comforts!!!

  20. It’s obvious that you’re a real back-to-nature, earth mother type. Reminds me of when Shelley Long took the Girl Scouts camping at the Hilton in Troop Beverly Hills – just my speed.

  21. I would never, ever want to be on Survivor. Ever. And have you heard that the average human swallows 10 spiders a year while they sleep? I always hate hearing that bit of trivia.

  22. I’m with you. I have no interest in being on Survivor, but your plan to go through the motions to get a paid vacation to some exotic locale is excellent.

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