notquiteold

Gracefully Aging – With Resistance

Not Quite Paris

I may live in – as my husband so delicately puts it – East Bumf**k, but I am one of the most sophisticated BumF**kers in town.

I say this despite the fact that I missed the trend change from bootcut to skinny jeans.  I was only a little late getting hip with the latest style. (Probably ‘hip’ is the wrong word here.)

But anyhow, I’m now back on track as the sixtyish style maven.

And my sophistication extends far beyond fashion.

My house is awesome. I give my husband credit as the builder, but the decor is all mine. And I possess shitloads of taste.

Some of my class comes from France. I am half-French (Canadian, but it still counts). I have also traveled to Paris on business. Three times. For a grand total of seven days. But Paris gets into your pores immediately. One week is plenty to make you snooty. I ooze snoot.

France is the birthplace of the bidet. (I’m not exactly positive about this, but bidet is certainly a French word.) So bidets are very classy.

Although I am ultra-sophisticated, I am not above shopping at Costco.

And I have recently discovered that Costco has bridged the gap between Paris and East Bumf**k.

Their new offering:

Yes, indeed, it is an electronic toilet seat. To convert your classless ho-hum toilet into a cultured combination toilet/bidet.

The incredible Intelliseat features include:

* Heated Seat

* Heated water jets with three options:

- His Backside

- Her Backside

- Her Frontside

* Adjustable water pressure, including pulsating

* Jet-Dry

*Energy Saving Night Light

*Safety On/Off Sensor

* Wireless Remote Control (not necessarily from another room, I don’t think.)

I checked the reviews on Amazon.com and the Intelliseat scored RAVES.

Of course, there are a few minor drawbacks. You need a grounded outlet to plug it in, and the power cord is very short. Many people have to use one of those heavy duty orange extension cords. And the stream of warm water is a bit intense (resulting in the occasional accidental enema). And you may need to bring a book while waiting for the gentle warm breeze to blow-dry your now soaking butt.

But hey, this is nothing compared to the Great Big Advantage.

You’ll never need toilet paper again.

As one reviewer summed it up:    “A Great Bidet Experience”

My sophisticated house (and heinie) is sorely missing this experience.  I’m getting one.

32 Comments

  1. No doubt you’ll have the only home in East Bumf**k with this amazing piece of technology. You must be so proud : )

  2. Let me know when you get it installed. I will take it for a test-run.

  3. Good lord! What will they think of next! Please post pictures (or sketches if more appropriate) when you install!

  4. omg. crying! “sorely” missed? does that refer (punwise) to the “accidental enema”? you have given me a whole new appreciation for costco for doing its part to culturize america. hysterical.

  5. GOSH you make me laugh. I have a visual of a lovely bathroom with an orange extension cord snaking down the hall, and a stack of novels by the potty.
    Libby Lu

  6. I would so love to comment but this has left me speechless. Isn’t the idea that someone invented it and other someones bought it just staggering?

  7. Thank you for introducing me to a consumer world I never knew existed! If I order from Amazon, does it qualify for SuperSaver Shipping???

  8. When I built our previous home, the plummer accidentally reversed the waterlines and we had hot water flowing to one toilet. It was an odd moment as your posterior pores received a steaming. It wouldn’t a facial…..not sure what that would be called – however I must admit as the house was in the mountains – I missed the warm seat after the plummer corrected the lines.

    • That happened to me years ago in an apartment – it was just weird.

  9. Nancy, a few things here.
    First, you have found the birthday gift my husband has been dying to give me. I thank you from the bottom of my, um, bottom.
    Second, as a Connecticut Yankee myself, I feel compelled to say that you were undoubtedly a snob WAY before Paris. Perhaps your nose wasn’t quite high enough, but it was in the general region.
    Third when I looked it up on Amazon I found that you can also get an electronic toilet paper dispenser to go with it. My son can get that for me.

    Every time you post I gain valuable information. And good stuff.

  10. RVingGirl

    Ok get ready for this……………I have not one of these but TWO….one in my master bath in our Bermuda home and one in our Vacation home in Vermont. The heated seats sits well on chilly winter days and I LOVE the bidet aspect.
    When we first got it, friends lined up to use it at parties etc. Sometimes couples even went in TOGETHER…..yup….my husband has even had to remind me that he is waiting…..taking too long with the pulsating jets makes him uncomfortable with his role as master of our domain. LOL
    seriously……
    Mine are called a Toto Washjet and have remote controls. It even has a dryer…..YUP..(It cost $1200.00 each 8 years ago.)

    • I KNEW there would be SOMEONE who had one! From my ‘intensive’ research, the Toto is the Rolls Royce of commodes. Congratulations!

  11. Accidental enema AND Jet Dry? That sure is high living. You make me howl!

  12. You may want to get two. Men are notorious bathroom readers. If his seat is too comfy, you may not see the inside of your bathroom for hours… Just a thought. ;)

  13. Nancy, I am pleased to present you with the Awesome Blog Content Award. Details can be found at http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/. Congratulations.

    • Well, thanks! I’m glad I make you howl.

  14. Suzanne Tate

    At the risk of being gross, I laughed so hard when I read this, I pee’d myself……which I think is quite fitting, given the subject.

  15. This is why capitalism is the greatest system on earth.
    I’m filled with entrepreneurial spirit and plan to invent a butt dryer to go along with the bidet.

    • A butt-dryer with a massager could be a hit.

  16. Now I need to make a trip to my local Costco–not to buy one of those contraptions–but to stand near the display and see who-on-earth does buy them!!! But at least those buyers won’t have to make a trip down the ‘paper’ aisle for TP like I’ll have to…and if you think Costco is sophisticated, how about those Romans? I read somewhere that they didn’t use TP–they had large brushes they simply dipped into a trough in front of their commodes (or whatever they were called back then), and everyone used the same brush…now THAT’s showing a real sense of community, although I’m not sure that your snooty,sophisticated half-Canadian French psyche would appreciate that–but think of your next house party and the conversations over the drinks and nibbles…lol
    Great post!

  17. Chris

    I’m throwing you a bidet-warming (excuse the pun).

  18. All that and an energy saving nightlight! WOW. Extension cords also come in green (maybe that would fit decor more?) But why worry – a little duct tape to keep from tripping over the cord and you’ll be set.

  19. I can’t even think of a comment to leave!

    • Takes your breath away, doesn’t it?

  20. How appropriate is it for me to come in below the comment “Takes your breath away, doesn’t it?”

    As it is my custom, I come in early, sit down with a cup of coffee and read the favorites in my wordpress account, of which yours is certainly a member. I have often thought I “had read it all” that is, until today, now I find this, and yes, it “Takes your breath away, doesn’t it?”

    Break away to a shot of the newlywed game show on channel five somewhere in Bum____ America, “Now girls here is your twenty five point bonus question. How does the toilet paper on your bathroom roll unravel, from the top or the bottom?”

    Girl #1 … top
    Girl#2 … top
    Girl #3 .,, bottom
    Girl #4 … top
    Girl #5 … Uh hell, I don’t know, when have one of them fancy French things!

    Pick out my suit to lay me out in wife … I believe I have seen it all and can now depart.

    DS

  21. O.M.G. I laughed so hard all the way through this post AND the comments that my face hurts. What a great way to start out a Saturday morning! Thanks for making my day.

  22. Diane

    I can see someone getting too used to a contraption like this, and then, you loose power for a week. So moral is, don’t forget the old ways!

    • As a vital appliance, I think we must connect it to the generator.

  23. Flossie

    Dammit. My next alcohol fuelled, impulse buy extravagant purchase was going to be an Apple computer….I may have to change my plans!!!

  24. I do have to wonder where it is you find these ‘things’ to write (and laugh) about. Terrific -as always!

  25. “shit-load of classy”. Love your use of the English language. A great post, as always. You make me smile and sometimes laugh out loud. A wonderful gift.

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