notquiteold

Gracefully Aging – With Resistance

It’s Raining Men. No. It’s Men Raining.

(My last post for heternormative week.  I’m sure you are relieved.)

I don’t understand men.

Growing up, my mother and my sisters were easy.  They were exactly like me.  They looked like me; they dressed like me; they thought like me.

My father and my brother were smart and loving and funny, and I enjoyed having them around.  But in my blissful immature girly egocentricity, I kind of thought that they were just like us females too.  I guess I wasn’t paying attention.

I didn’t marry until I was forty.  Before that I did a lot of superficial dating.  I never got to really know a man until I met my husband.  And now I have found that men are just as much a mystery as when they actually were a mystery.  After twenty years of marriage, I can predict what he’s going to do or say with amazing accuracy.  I just still don’t know WHY.

I love my husband with my whole heart.  But I just don’t get my whole mind too involved, because I am afraid it will explode.

But even though I try not to, there are some mysteries about men that I can’t help but wonder about.

Like This:

SPITTING

Why do men spit so much?

Does testosterone stimulate overproduction of saliva? I don’t think so. I don’t see men drooling like overheated dogs (and I won’t press that analogy).

I also know (through some good kissing) that man spit tastes pretty much like my own lady spit, so it’s not that men are constantly spitting because their saliva tastes so bad.

Is it something about male throatal anatomy? Does a big adam’s apple prevent stuff from going down?

I think I have narrowed it down to something outdoors. After all, when men leave the house, it seems the first thing that happens is a big phlegmball.

At first I thought that just looking at the outdoors provokes spit, based on watching guys roll down the car window to hock one out. But I had to discard that theory.  They can sit opposite the dining room window on Thanksgiving and refrain from spitting out of it.

So what is it?

And why so proud?

If a women needs to clear her throat, she’ll cough ever so discreetly (and silently) into a tissue. But just let a camera pan over to a baseball player and he’ll shoot out a big one for eight million fans.  (And don’t tell me that it’s the chewing tobacco. Men don’t spit because of chewing tobacco. They chew tobacco so they can spit.)

And excuse me, James Cameron, but it’s obvious that you didn’t get a woman’s opinion when you wrote “Titanic”. No matter how badly Rose wanted to bust out of her corset and have a fling, I can guarantee that her idea of a fling didn’t include flinging a loogie over the side of a boat.

So man spit…what is it?

Is it anatomy, fresh air, inordinate pride in one’s bodily fluids?

What is it?

Whatever it is  . . .   CUT IT OUT!

21 Comments

  1. pharphelonus

    I know guys that spit incessantly, and guys that only spit when there’s something substantial to drape on a tree. And I know guys that try really hard not to spit in the presence of a lady. Unless it’s really necessary. And it’s mostly because guys don’t have purses with tissues handy to delicately remove the offending loogie.

  2. Eeewww.

  3. Some things are meant to be mysteries. “I spit, therefore I am.” A great and gross philosopher once said that…I think. ;)

  4. I know this will gross everyone out, but I kind of think it’s sexy when my husband spits. I don’t know.. it must be the way he does it.. very manly. I always knew I was a freak…

    • I don’t even know what to say. I guess it’s good that you think it’s sexy. You may the most open-minded woman in the world.

  5. “They chew tobacco so they can spit.” Is that why they watch baseball, too? Can you please do “crotch adjustments” next?

    • I think I am going to give myself and everyone else a break from the topic for a while. Besides, how can I gripe about “crotch adjustments” when my bra strap is ALWAYS coming down? (hey, now a “bra strap” post may be an idea….)

  6. I hate that habit, too. Fortunately, that is not one of Cap’n Firepants’ vices. Pirates don’t spit because they are afraid their rotting teeth will fly out, too.

    • I hope your hubby doesn’t have that problem!

  7. I love baseball but I HATE spitting. Hockey players don”t spit like that!

    • The spit would freeze and make the icy bumpy.

  8. Ha! I really like heteronormative week! These posts have all been hilarious. Love the Titanic reference. And totally agree on this – “Men don’t spit because of chewing tobacco. They chew tobacco so they can spit.”

    That whole hacking-working-up-sound to a good spit raises the hair on the back of my neck.

  9. I’ve loved heteronormative week. True on the Titanic. Fortunately, my hubby is not much of a spitter.

  10. Yup. It’s a mystery to me too. One of guys at work does it every time he goes into the loo….which is just down the hall from my office! Just WHAT is that all about??????

  11. Yep, I’ve got a spitter. To top that off he blows his nose outside too! No tissue, just hold one nostril closed and shoot snot out of the other. What’s that about?? Totally disgusting. But I still love him :)

    • Well, you at least know that he’s REALLY comfortable with you.

  12. Gah, yeah, are they marking their territory or what? My husband never spits but he’ll do the snot rocket mentioned above. (gag)

  13. It is a filthy habit. I can excuse it in sports people in the middle of a game, but that’s about it.

    My husband hates it.

  14. My brother is a world class spitter…or at least he was. One time during a recent visit, he hawked lougie on my driveway. I gave him my best mom lecture on appropriate spitting behavior. I also handed him the hose. No problems since.

  15. Hilarious and oh so accurate.

  16. I laughed out loud!
    I have a husband who also “blows his nose.” Outside, at least.
    How do they even do this stuff?

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